Zombies Excluded from the Oscars (Again)

Well, loyal readers, it should come as no surprise that this year’s Academy Awards were dominated by human filmmakers telling human-interest stories. This marks the 82nd year of Oscars without a single nomination for zombie actors, writers, or filmmakers. Delicious human award-winners, Sandra Bullock, Jeff Bridges, Christoph Waltz, and “Mo’nique” were all gracious in their award speeches, but failed to identify any of their zombie contemporaries – continuing a tradition of stratification and neglect that has become more and more galling with each passing year.

This year’s zombie films were of particular note, considering that they have broken out of their comfort zone and into more diverse offerings. The long-standing tradition of zombie cinema has focused almost exclusively on intimate family dramas – quiet and thoughtful films about zombies in crisis. But this year, zombie directors like Alfred Chalkmouth, and Henri Gruuuuun have broken ranks, filming a white-knuckle thriller, and nail-biting action film respectively.

Chalkmouth’s gripping suspense film, “A Taste to Remember” features underrated zombie actor Soren Thincolon as special agent Soren Thickcolon – a former spy, haunted by the ghosts of his past. When an old friend goes missing, Thickcolon is pulled back into the world of zombie intrigue, where nothing is as it seems. The film moves along at a fair clip, only spanning 6 hours from start to finish. Thincolon’s one hour monologue is perhaps the finest of his career. And Molly Shambel offers a tremendous break-out performance as Thickcolon’s concerned ex-wife. Human filmgoers were overwhelmed by the experience, often leaving the theaters much slower than the entered them. They were clearly staggered by the film’s shocking twist. They seemed blown away by the experience – offering only baffled grunts or groans when asked about the movie.

Conversley, Gruuuuun’s explosive “Human Apocolypse” struck a much more visceral note by showing what a human uprising might look like. The film is shot in documentary style, showing the carnage through the eyes of a small group of zombie survivors. Pushed into an old abandoned wrecking yard by waves of angry humans, the survivors must use every tool at their disposal to defend themselves. The realism of the film is amazing – particularly the special effects which create the illusion of human gore. Humans run in circles, clutching their empty skulls while others find mangled limbs hanging from their bodies. While I, as a fleshy human, took no delight in seeing human’s destroyed by zombie hands, I must admit that the action was thrilling. My only complaint is the editing. We often see the zombies approaching a group of humans with slow determination, but then the movie cuts to the grisly aftermath, only showing the horrible remains. I also think there may have been a p.a. error considering that the film started with 6 survivors and ended with 30.

I would urge all warm and savory humans to proceed to your nearest zombie movie store and buy both of these films. If you need directions to the zombie outlets in your community, I would head out to the nearest abandoned industrial zone at one o’clock in the morning, and ask a zombie for directions.

A Picnic!

I was walking around my well-maintained kitchen earlier this evening (a kitchen that smells of the lilac scented soaps we humans love so well) and I thought "Boy, I am really, really hungry." I could tell that I was hungry because the inside of my skull itched like someone had poured angry bees into my ear. I'm sure you know the feeling. Anyway, I didn't have anything moist and delicious in my ice box, so I sauntered on down to the local grocery store where I work. One of my co-workers (we'll call her "Sally") happened to be out back stacking milk crates into nice orderly piles. She was, as always, happy to see me. I could tell she was happy because she squeaked in that delightful human way - a squeak that conveys delight and unexpected surprise! I made an off-hand remark about how hungry I was, and she said something like "I'll do anything..." I missed the rest, but I'm pretty sure she said "I'll do anything to help!" So I guided her by her spongy arm back into the the alley where I often eat my lunch. She brought some potatoes, popcorn, and jam for sandwiches and we had a delightful picnic there under the flickering streetlamp. I really like Sally. Her face is really quite lovely - hung there on the front of her fragile skull. Over the course of our delicious meal, she mentioned she might be going out of town soon. It would likely be a sudden, spur of the moment thing - taken in the dead of night. She also mentioned that she did not plan on telling our co-workers, and that they shouldn't be concerned if she suddenly disappeared. If she does decide to leave for a while, I suspect she'll return eventually. Vacations really take a lot of a person; so she'll probably be a little slow and clumsy when she gets back.

Famous Zombies in World History!

In the course of my daily interactions with other spongy humans, like myself, I’m continually amazed by how little we fleshy, tender humans tend to know about zombie contributions to world history. Don’t get me wrong: the fact that we aren’t acquainted with the writings of Dr. Karl Ghuunagh, or the moody impressionism of Johann Zahnfaule is regrettable, but not surprising. What shocks me is the blatant revisionism – the mercilessly thorough white-washing of famous zombie’s lives to make their narratives more acceptable for a “z-negative” public.

For example, almost no one knows that Socrates, widely regarded as the father of the western intellectual tradition, was a zombie. His features were described in his Symposium as vaguely porcine. He was fat, short, and bald. According to Plato, he shambled around the city of Athens for decades – somehow evading the more reactionary members of society. In the course of his life, he attracted countless followers and created a rhetorical method founded upon thorough critical inquiry. Eventually, however, he was forced to take poison for “impiety” and “corruption the youth.” A modern translation of the charges would be that he was charged as being an abomination, and that he was suspected to have eaten his young followers’ brains. These charges were, of course, ludicrous and hideously unfair. His followers’ brains were likely callused by years of hard-thinking – leathery, mealy things without any flavor whatsoever. I have no frame of reference for such things, so… yes.

Another famous zombie in history was Jean-Paul Marat, an influential voice during the French Revolution. Through his numerous publications, Marat directly, or indirectly prompted the beheading of countless French citizens to further the cause of “freedom and egalitarianism” within that war-torn and chaotic country. He was described as ghastly by his contemporaries: “short in stature, deformed in person, and hideous in face.” He also suffered from a horrific skin condition, characteristic of zombies, which drove him to spend long hours in his bathtub. He was eventually murdered by Charlotte Corday, who over the course of her trial described grisly scenes which prompted her to murder Marat. “The heads of those killed laye stack’d in his office – but the skulls were empty!” she cried. She was eventually guillotined to protect Marat’s reputation. Zombies were distrusted then, and any absurd rumor about Marat eating delectable brains was sure to weaken the state.

Finally, to bring the issue closer to home, almost no one knows that United States President, Rutherford B Hayes was a zombie. He was a zombie of modest stature, with a long beard to obscure his unsettlingly long set of pearly white teeth, and yellowed free-ranging eyes that seemed hazy and vacant by human standards. His constituents placed the utmost faith in his ability to govern, even after he was photographed drooling onto the shining bald brow of his successor, James A Garfield. His tenure in the office was largely regarded as uneventful, but he consistently upheld the virtues of freedom and equality – fighting any repeal of civil rights legislation, allowing female representation to argue before the Supreme Court, and sending federal troops to quell an anti-zombie riot in 1877. The “Great Railroad Outbreak” was one of the most difficult periods of zombie integration. Many rail-workers, convinced that zombies were devouring their friends while they slept, began attacking zombies with hammers, picks, and loose railroad ties. It was only President Hayes’ quick thinking, and earnest desire for peace that brought an end to the conflict. In the end, the zombie community was stronger and more numerous than ever!

So while their methods may have differed, and the outcome was sometimes grisly, all of these zombies embarked upon their life’s journey with noble motives. It’s unfortunate that they’re uniformly remembered as humans.

Zombie Diet

Zombie diet has been a source of debate for generations. As we all know, the more reactionary, fearful segments of our spongy and flavorful population believe that zombies subsist entirely on delicious human brains. We know better though, don’t we? This entry to my blog will deal entirely with the misunderstandings and deliberate obfuscation concerning zombie diet.

First, we must understand something of zombie biology. Zombie jaws are much like ours, except for a few key differences. Zombie jaws are much stronger, exercising a recorded bite pressure of 2,000 psi – roughly equivalent with that of a young crocodile. The teeth are also longer and can withstand forces that might break or damage our puny, bovine human teeth. In just about every way imaginable, zombie mandibles are superior… it almost makes one envious. I myself sometimes think “perhaps living as a zombie would be a delightful change of pace!” Indeed, if offered the opportunity to become a zombie, I would be hard-pressed to turn it down; wouldn’t you? In any event these jaws, like ours, are filled mostly with flat grinding teeth and two pairs of incisors. They are clearly designed for multi-purpose dining. And if zombies are indeed omnivorous, that immediately destroys any ideas about zombies subsisting entirely on the creamy grey matter between our floppy human ears.

This point is invariably countered by the crown jewel of absurdist anti-zombie rhetoric: “Their teeth are like that because they used to be people!” I know… I can hear you laughing. “Zombies turning people into zombies? Pshaw! Total nonsense.” Nonsense indeed. If any of you readers are inclined to give this idea any credence, I suggest you throw some salt over your shoulder and avoid black cats and broken mirrors. The zombie transformation angle has been around since the stone ages, and like other hold-overs from our primordial past, is totally absurd. Let me make this clear: The earth is not flat, the gods don’t make thunder when they’re angry, and zombies cannot and will not transform you into a zombie by chewing on you. If you have any doubts about this, I urge you to seek out a zombie in a dark, uninhabited area and simply ask him. I’m sure he’d be happy to discuss the issue with you, after administering the customary greeting of grabbing your head and pressing his face to your forehead. If you do intend to speak to a zombie, I would urge you to leave any guns, shovels, bats, or other bludgeoning implements at home. These things are regarded by zombies as a reminder of uglier chapters of their racial narrative.

So what do zombies eat? Most zombies that I’ve met eat a fairly balanced diet of pork, grains, poultry, greens, and shellfish. Zombies find the crunch of lobster and crab shells very pleasant indeed! ...Crunches that reveal the sweet meats inside…

The Beginning

Hello. My name is Billy Goodbrains, and this is my zombie blog. Even now, I can sense your skepticism. “Another zombie blog?” you snort derisively. “Zombie blogs are for reactionaries, and fear-mongers, and militant right-wing troglodytes!” True, my friend – so true. It’s an unfortunate fact that all of the existing blogs on this topic conform to a predictable formula. Other zombie blogs teach you why you should fear zombies; why you should try to hunt and kill zombies. They are written by bearded, narcissistic, pseudo-survivalists and make wild claims about an impending apocalypse, almost without exception. Well I am here to offer another perspective - one based on reason, and trust, and fraternity. I tell you now that zombies are not the monsters other bloggers make them out to be. If we have the courage to reach out, I am confident that we can find common ground and pave the way for a better tomorrow. I will try to illustrate this point in this blog. But first, introductions.

Who is Billy Goodbrains? I should make it clear up front that I am a human, like you - full of the warm fleshy clockworks that we all share. I walk easily from place to place without dragging my feet, or drooling. I have a rewarding repetitive job at a supermarket. I eat lots of corn and potatoes with my pathetic, flat, cow-like teeth. I often sit next to people for hours and hours without the urge to devour their brains. In other words, I’m a normal everyday joe – just like you. And like you, I’m sick of all the misinformation and half-truths concerning zombies.

The internet in specific, and pop culture generally, are fraught with ridiculous rumors about zombies based only loosely on fact. For instance, movies would have us believe that zombies are driven by an insatiable need to devour delicious human brains. While it’s true that superior zombie jaws are capable of cracking our absurd human craniums open like walnuts, they would never do such a thing. As always, the truth is much less threatening and much more reasonable. The “brain” rumor is based on a quote by famous zombie philologist, Dr. Karl Ghuunagh. During a radio interview in the early 1930’s, Dr. Ghuunagh was asked why zombies were constantly trying to grab people’s heads. Dr. Ghuunagh replied “Braaaainnss…” followed by a series of seemingly incomprehensible moans and grunts. The sound was unsettling by human standards, and the subsequent disappearance of radio personality Dirk Blimpo was interpreted as a sign that Dr. Ghuunagh had, in fact, eaten his brains. But had the experts put in the necessary effort, they would have found that Dr. Ghuunagh had given a very thoughtful answer, albeit very slowly and carefully. Here is the translated quote, in its entirety:

“Brains fascinate us – they’re seemingly unlimited capacity for understanding, compassion, and reason. We simply wish to be in their presence – to bask in the glow of pure thought. The meeting of skulls is a symbolic gesture of trust and fraternity within the zombie community, much like the shaking of hands within your human community. We don’t mean to unsettle anyone - only to make known our love and respect.”

So a simple and respectful gesture was turned into something horrific by the small-minded. The history of human/zombie relations is full of episodes just like that of Dr. Ghuunagh and Dirk Blimpo. Hopefully this blog will shed some light on our human short-sightedness and guide us to a brighter, more tolerant future.