Zombies Excluded from the Oscars (Again)

Well, loyal readers, it should come as no surprise that this year’s Academy Awards were dominated by human filmmakers telling human-interest stories. This marks the 82nd year of Oscars without a single nomination for zombie actors, writers, or filmmakers. Delicious human award-winners, Sandra Bullock, Jeff Bridges, Christoph Waltz, and “Mo’nique” were all gracious in their award speeches, but failed to identify any of their zombie contemporaries – continuing a tradition of stratification and neglect that has become more and more galling with each passing year.

This year’s zombie films were of particular note, considering that they have broken out of their comfort zone and into more diverse offerings. The long-standing tradition of zombie cinema has focused almost exclusively on intimate family dramas – quiet and thoughtful films about zombies in crisis. But this year, zombie directors like Alfred Chalkmouth, and Henri Gruuuuun have broken ranks, filming a white-knuckle thriller, and nail-biting action film respectively.

Chalkmouth’s gripping suspense film, “A Taste to Remember” features underrated zombie actor Soren Thincolon as special agent Soren Thickcolon – a former spy, haunted by the ghosts of his past. When an old friend goes missing, Thickcolon is pulled back into the world of zombie intrigue, where nothing is as it seems. The film moves along at a fair clip, only spanning 6 hours from start to finish. Thincolon’s one hour monologue is perhaps the finest of his career. And Molly Shambel offers a tremendous break-out performance as Thickcolon’s concerned ex-wife. Human filmgoers were overwhelmed by the experience, often leaving the theaters much slower than the entered them. They were clearly staggered by the film’s shocking twist. They seemed blown away by the experience – offering only baffled grunts or groans when asked about the movie.

Conversley, Gruuuuun’s explosive “Human Apocolypse” struck a much more visceral note by showing what a human uprising might look like. The film is shot in documentary style, showing the carnage through the eyes of a small group of zombie survivors. Pushed into an old abandoned wrecking yard by waves of angry humans, the survivors must use every tool at their disposal to defend themselves. The realism of the film is amazing – particularly the special effects which create the illusion of human gore. Humans run in circles, clutching their empty skulls while others find mangled limbs hanging from their bodies. While I, as a fleshy human, took no delight in seeing human’s destroyed by zombie hands, I must admit that the action was thrilling. My only complaint is the editing. We often see the zombies approaching a group of humans with slow determination, but then the movie cuts to the grisly aftermath, only showing the horrible remains. I also think there may have been a p.a. error considering that the film started with 6 survivors and ended with 30.

I would urge all warm and savory humans to proceed to your nearest zombie movie store and buy both of these films. If you need directions to the zombie outlets in your community, I would head out to the nearest abandoned industrial zone at one o’clock in the morning, and ask a zombie for directions.