A Picnic!

I was walking around my well-maintained kitchen earlier this evening (a kitchen that smells of the lilac scented soaps we humans love so well) and I thought "Boy, I am really, really hungry." I could tell that I was hungry because the inside of my skull itched like someone had poured angry bees into my ear. I'm sure you know the feeling. Anyway, I didn't have anything moist and delicious in my ice box, so I sauntered on down to the local grocery store where I work. One of my co-workers (we'll call her "Sally") happened to be out back stacking milk crates into nice orderly piles. She was, as always, happy to see me. I could tell she was happy because she squeaked in that delightful human way - a squeak that conveys delight and unexpected surprise! I made an off-hand remark about how hungry I was, and she said something like "I'll do anything..." I missed the rest, but I'm pretty sure she said "I'll do anything to help!" So I guided her by her spongy arm back into the the alley where I often eat my lunch. She brought some potatoes, popcorn, and jam for sandwiches and we had a delightful picnic there under the flickering streetlamp. I really like Sally. Her face is really quite lovely - hung there on the front of her fragile skull. Over the course of our delicious meal, she mentioned she might be going out of town soon. It would likely be a sudden, spur of the moment thing - taken in the dead of night. She also mentioned that she did not plan on telling our co-workers, and that they shouldn't be concerned if she suddenly disappeared. If she does decide to leave for a while, I suspect she'll return eventually. Vacations really take a lot of a person; so she'll probably be a little slow and clumsy when she gets back.

Zombie Diet

Zombie diet has been a source of debate for generations. As we all know, the more reactionary, fearful segments of our spongy and flavorful population believe that zombies subsist entirely on delicious human brains. We know better though, don’t we? This entry to my blog will deal entirely with the misunderstandings and deliberate obfuscation concerning zombie diet.

First, we must understand something of zombie biology. Zombie jaws are much like ours, except for a few key differences. Zombie jaws are much stronger, exercising a recorded bite pressure of 2,000 psi – roughly equivalent with that of a young crocodile. The teeth are also longer and can withstand forces that might break or damage our puny, bovine human teeth. In just about every way imaginable, zombie mandibles are superior… it almost makes one envious. I myself sometimes think “perhaps living as a zombie would be a delightful change of pace!” Indeed, if offered the opportunity to become a zombie, I would be hard-pressed to turn it down; wouldn’t you? In any event these jaws, like ours, are filled mostly with flat grinding teeth and two pairs of incisors. They are clearly designed for multi-purpose dining. And if zombies are indeed omnivorous, that immediately destroys any ideas about zombies subsisting entirely on the creamy grey matter between our floppy human ears.

This point is invariably countered by the crown jewel of absurdist anti-zombie rhetoric: “Their teeth are like that because they used to be people!” I know… I can hear you laughing. “Zombies turning people into zombies? Pshaw! Total nonsense.” Nonsense indeed. If any of you readers are inclined to give this idea any credence, I suggest you throw some salt over your shoulder and avoid black cats and broken mirrors. The zombie transformation angle has been around since the stone ages, and like other hold-overs from our primordial past, is totally absurd. Let me make this clear: The earth is not flat, the gods don’t make thunder when they’re angry, and zombies cannot and will not transform you into a zombie by chewing on you. If you have any doubts about this, I urge you to seek out a zombie in a dark, uninhabited area and simply ask him. I’m sure he’d be happy to discuss the issue with you, after administering the customary greeting of grabbing your head and pressing his face to your forehead. If you do intend to speak to a zombie, I would urge you to leave any guns, shovels, bats, or other bludgeoning implements at home. These things are regarded by zombies as a reminder of uglier chapters of their racial narrative.

So what do zombies eat? Most zombies that I’ve met eat a fairly balanced diet of pork, grains, poultry, greens, and shellfish. Zombies find the crunch of lobster and crab shells very pleasant indeed! ...Crunches that reveal the sweet meats inside…