The Beginning

Hello. My name is Billy Goodbrains, and this is my zombie blog. Even now, I can sense your skepticism. “Another zombie blog?” you snort derisively. “Zombie blogs are for reactionaries, and fear-mongers, and militant right-wing troglodytes!” True, my friend – so true. It’s an unfortunate fact that all of the existing blogs on this topic conform to a predictable formula. Other zombie blogs teach you why you should fear zombies; why you should try to hunt and kill zombies. They are written by bearded, narcissistic, pseudo-survivalists and make wild claims about an impending apocalypse, almost without exception. Well I am here to offer another perspective - one based on reason, and trust, and fraternity. I tell you now that zombies are not the monsters other bloggers make them out to be. If we have the courage to reach out, I am confident that we can find common ground and pave the way for a better tomorrow. I will try to illustrate this point in this blog. But first, introductions.

Who is Billy Goodbrains? I should make it clear up front that I am a human, like you - full of the warm fleshy clockworks that we all share. I walk easily from place to place without dragging my feet, or drooling. I have a rewarding repetitive job at a supermarket. I eat lots of corn and potatoes with my pathetic, flat, cow-like teeth. I often sit next to people for hours and hours without the urge to devour their brains. In other words, I’m a normal everyday joe – just like you. And like you, I’m sick of all the misinformation and half-truths concerning zombies.

The internet in specific, and pop culture generally, are fraught with ridiculous rumors about zombies based only loosely on fact. For instance, movies would have us believe that zombies are driven by an insatiable need to devour delicious human brains. While it’s true that superior zombie jaws are capable of cracking our absurd human craniums open like walnuts, they would never do such a thing. As always, the truth is much less threatening and much more reasonable. The “brain” rumor is based on a quote by famous zombie philologist, Dr. Karl Ghuunagh. During a radio interview in the early 1930’s, Dr. Ghuunagh was asked why zombies were constantly trying to grab people’s heads. Dr. Ghuunagh replied “Braaaainnss…” followed by a series of seemingly incomprehensible moans and grunts. The sound was unsettling by human standards, and the subsequent disappearance of radio personality Dirk Blimpo was interpreted as a sign that Dr. Ghuunagh had, in fact, eaten his brains. But had the experts put in the necessary effort, they would have found that Dr. Ghuunagh had given a very thoughtful answer, albeit very slowly and carefully. Here is the translated quote, in its entirety:

“Brains fascinate us – they’re seemingly unlimited capacity for understanding, compassion, and reason. We simply wish to be in their presence – to bask in the glow of pure thought. The meeting of skulls is a symbolic gesture of trust and fraternity within the zombie community, much like the shaking of hands within your human community. We don’t mean to unsettle anyone - only to make known our love and respect.”

So a simple and respectful gesture was turned into something horrific by the small-minded. The history of human/zombie relations is full of episodes just like that of Dr. Ghuunagh and Dirk Blimpo. Hopefully this blog will shed some light on our human short-sightedness and guide us to a brighter, more tolerant future.