Zombie Diet

Zombie diet has been a source of debate for generations. As we all know, the more reactionary, fearful segments of our spongy and flavorful population believe that zombies subsist entirely on delicious human brains. We know better though, don’t we? This entry to my blog will deal entirely with the misunderstandings and deliberate obfuscation concerning zombie diet.

First, we must understand something of zombie biology. Zombie jaws are much like ours, except for a few key differences. Zombie jaws are much stronger, exercising a recorded bite pressure of 2,000 psi – roughly equivalent with that of a young crocodile. The teeth are also longer and can withstand forces that might break or damage our puny, bovine human teeth. In just about every way imaginable, zombie mandibles are superior… it almost makes one envious. I myself sometimes think “perhaps living as a zombie would be a delightful change of pace!” Indeed, if offered the opportunity to become a zombie, I would be hard-pressed to turn it down; wouldn’t you? In any event these jaws, like ours, are filled mostly with flat grinding teeth and two pairs of incisors. They are clearly designed for multi-purpose dining. And if zombies are indeed omnivorous, that immediately destroys any ideas about zombies subsisting entirely on the creamy grey matter between our floppy human ears.

This point is invariably countered by the crown jewel of absurdist anti-zombie rhetoric: “Their teeth are like that because they used to be people!” I know… I can hear you laughing. “Zombies turning people into zombies? Pshaw! Total nonsense.” Nonsense indeed. If any of you readers are inclined to give this idea any credence, I suggest you throw some salt over your shoulder and avoid black cats and broken mirrors. The zombie transformation angle has been around since the stone ages, and like other hold-overs from our primordial past, is totally absurd. Let me make this clear: The earth is not flat, the gods don’t make thunder when they’re angry, and zombies cannot and will not transform you into a zombie by chewing on you. If you have any doubts about this, I urge you to seek out a zombie in a dark, uninhabited area and simply ask him. I’m sure he’d be happy to discuss the issue with you, after administering the customary greeting of grabbing your head and pressing his face to your forehead. If you do intend to speak to a zombie, I would urge you to leave any guns, shovels, bats, or other bludgeoning implements at home. These things are regarded by zombies as a reminder of uglier chapters of their racial narrative.

So what do zombies eat? Most zombies that I’ve met eat a fairly balanced diet of pork, grains, poultry, greens, and shellfish. Zombies find the crunch of lobster and crab shells very pleasant indeed! ...Crunches that reveal the sweet meats inside…