Famous Zombies in World History!

In the course of my daily interactions with other spongy humans, like myself, I’m continually amazed by how little we fleshy, tender humans tend to know about zombie contributions to world history. Don’t get me wrong: the fact that we aren’t acquainted with the writings of Dr. Karl Ghuunagh, or the moody impressionism of Johann Zahnfaule is regrettable, but not surprising. What shocks me is the blatant revisionism – the mercilessly thorough white-washing of famous zombie’s lives to make their narratives more acceptable for a “z-negative” public.

For example, almost no one knows that Socrates, widely regarded as the father of the western intellectual tradition, was a zombie. His features were described in his Symposium as vaguely porcine. He was fat, short, and bald. According to Plato, he shambled around the city of Athens for decades – somehow evading the more reactionary members of society. In the course of his life, he attracted countless followers and created a rhetorical method founded upon thorough critical inquiry. Eventually, however, he was forced to take poison for “impiety” and “corruption the youth.” A modern translation of the charges would be that he was charged as being an abomination, and that he was suspected to have eaten his young followers’ brains. These charges were, of course, ludicrous and hideously unfair. His followers’ brains were likely callused by years of hard-thinking – leathery, mealy things without any flavor whatsoever. I have no frame of reference for such things, so… yes.

Another famous zombie in history was Jean-Paul Marat, an influential voice during the French Revolution. Through his numerous publications, Marat directly, or indirectly prompted the beheading of countless French citizens to further the cause of “freedom and egalitarianism” within that war-torn and chaotic country. He was described as ghastly by his contemporaries: “short in stature, deformed in person, and hideous in face.” He also suffered from a horrific skin condition, characteristic of zombies, which drove him to spend long hours in his bathtub. He was eventually murdered by Charlotte Corday, who over the course of her trial described grisly scenes which prompted her to murder Marat. “The heads of those killed laye stack’d in his office – but the skulls were empty!” she cried. She was eventually guillotined to protect Marat’s reputation. Zombies were distrusted then, and any absurd rumor about Marat eating delectable brains was sure to weaken the state.

Finally, to bring the issue closer to home, almost no one knows that United States President, Rutherford B Hayes was a zombie. He was a zombie of modest stature, with a long beard to obscure his unsettlingly long set of pearly white teeth, and yellowed free-ranging eyes that seemed hazy and vacant by human standards. His constituents placed the utmost faith in his ability to govern, even after he was photographed drooling onto the shining bald brow of his successor, James A Garfield. His tenure in the office was largely regarded as uneventful, but he consistently upheld the virtues of freedom and equality – fighting any repeal of civil rights legislation, allowing female representation to argue before the Supreme Court, and sending federal troops to quell an anti-zombie riot in 1877. The “Great Railroad Outbreak” was one of the most difficult periods of zombie integration. Many rail-workers, convinced that zombies were devouring their friends while they slept, began attacking zombies with hammers, picks, and loose railroad ties. It was only President Hayes’ quick thinking, and earnest desire for peace that brought an end to the conflict. In the end, the zombie community was stronger and more numerous than ever!

So while their methods may have differed, and the outcome was sometimes grisly, all of these zombies embarked upon their life’s journey with noble motives. It’s unfortunate that they’re uniformly remembered as humans.