Zombies Excluded from the Oscars (Again)

Well, loyal readers, it should come as no surprise that this year’s Academy Awards were dominated by human filmmakers telling human-interest stories. This marks the 82nd year of Oscars without a single nomination for zombie actors, writers, or filmmakers. Delicious human award-winners, Sandra Bullock, Jeff Bridges, Christoph Waltz, and “Mo’nique” were all gracious in their award speeches, but failed to identify any of their zombie contemporaries – continuing a tradition of stratification and neglect that has become more and more galling with each passing year.

This year’s zombie films were of particular note, considering that they have broken out of their comfort zone and into more diverse offerings. The long-standing tradition of zombie cinema has focused almost exclusively on intimate family dramas – quiet and thoughtful films about zombies in crisis. But this year, zombie directors like Alfred Chalkmouth, and Henri Gruuuuun have broken ranks, filming a white-knuckle thriller, and nail-biting action film respectively.

Chalkmouth’s gripping suspense film, “A Taste to Remember” features underrated zombie actor Soren Thincolon as special agent Soren Thickcolon – a former spy, haunted by the ghosts of his past. When an old friend goes missing, Thickcolon is pulled back into the world of zombie intrigue, where nothing is as it seems. The film moves along at a fair clip, only spanning 6 hours from start to finish. Thincolon’s one hour monologue is perhaps the finest of his career. And Molly Shambel offers a tremendous break-out performance as Thickcolon’s concerned ex-wife. Human filmgoers were overwhelmed by the experience, often leaving the theaters much slower than the entered them. They were clearly staggered by the film’s shocking twist. They seemed blown away by the experience – offering only baffled grunts or groans when asked about the movie.

Conversley, Gruuuuun’s explosive “Human Apocolypse” struck a much more visceral note by showing what a human uprising might look like. The film is shot in documentary style, showing the carnage through the eyes of a small group of zombie survivors. Pushed into an old abandoned wrecking yard by waves of angry humans, the survivors must use every tool at their disposal to defend themselves. The realism of the film is amazing – particularly the special effects which create the illusion of human gore. Humans run in circles, clutching their empty skulls while others find mangled limbs hanging from their bodies. While I, as a fleshy human, took no delight in seeing human’s destroyed by zombie hands, I must admit that the action was thrilling. My only complaint is the editing. We often see the zombies approaching a group of humans with slow determination, but then the movie cuts to the grisly aftermath, only showing the horrible remains. I also think there may have been a p.a. error considering that the film started with 6 survivors and ended with 30.

I would urge all warm and savory humans to proceed to your nearest zombie movie store and buy both of these films. If you need directions to the zombie outlets in your community, I would head out to the nearest abandoned industrial zone at one o’clock in the morning, and ask a zombie for directions.

Famous Zombies in World History!

In the course of my daily interactions with other spongy humans, like myself, I’m continually amazed by how little we fleshy, tender humans tend to know about zombie contributions to world history. Don’t get me wrong: the fact that we aren’t acquainted with the writings of Dr. Karl Ghuunagh, or the moody impressionism of Johann Zahnfaule is regrettable, but not surprising. What shocks me is the blatant revisionism – the mercilessly thorough white-washing of famous zombie’s lives to make their narratives more acceptable for a “z-negative” public.

For example, almost no one knows that Socrates, widely regarded as the father of the western intellectual tradition, was a zombie. His features were described in his Symposium as vaguely porcine. He was fat, short, and bald. According to Plato, he shambled around the city of Athens for decades – somehow evading the more reactionary members of society. In the course of his life, he attracted countless followers and created a rhetorical method founded upon thorough critical inquiry. Eventually, however, he was forced to take poison for “impiety” and “corruption the youth.” A modern translation of the charges would be that he was charged as being an abomination, and that he was suspected to have eaten his young followers’ brains. These charges were, of course, ludicrous and hideously unfair. His followers’ brains were likely callused by years of hard-thinking – leathery, mealy things without any flavor whatsoever. I have no frame of reference for such things, so… yes.

Another famous zombie in history was Jean-Paul Marat, an influential voice during the French Revolution. Through his numerous publications, Marat directly, or indirectly prompted the beheading of countless French citizens to further the cause of “freedom and egalitarianism” within that war-torn and chaotic country. He was described as ghastly by his contemporaries: “short in stature, deformed in person, and hideous in face.” He also suffered from a horrific skin condition, characteristic of zombies, which drove him to spend long hours in his bathtub. He was eventually murdered by Charlotte Corday, who over the course of her trial described grisly scenes which prompted her to murder Marat. “The heads of those killed laye stack’d in his office – but the skulls were empty!” she cried. She was eventually guillotined to protect Marat’s reputation. Zombies were distrusted then, and any absurd rumor about Marat eating delectable brains was sure to weaken the state.

Finally, to bring the issue closer to home, almost no one knows that United States President, Rutherford B Hayes was a zombie. He was a zombie of modest stature, with a long beard to obscure his unsettlingly long set of pearly white teeth, and yellowed free-ranging eyes that seemed hazy and vacant by human standards. His constituents placed the utmost faith in his ability to govern, even after he was photographed drooling onto the shining bald brow of his successor, James A Garfield. His tenure in the office was largely regarded as uneventful, but he consistently upheld the virtues of freedom and equality – fighting any repeal of civil rights legislation, allowing female representation to argue before the Supreme Court, and sending federal troops to quell an anti-zombie riot in 1877. The “Great Railroad Outbreak” was one of the most difficult periods of zombie integration. Many rail-workers, convinced that zombies were devouring their friends while they slept, began attacking zombies with hammers, picks, and loose railroad ties. It was only President Hayes’ quick thinking, and earnest desire for peace that brought an end to the conflict. In the end, the zombie community was stronger and more numerous than ever!

So while their methods may have differed, and the outcome was sometimes grisly, all of these zombies embarked upon their life’s journey with noble motives. It’s unfortunate that they’re uniformly remembered as humans.